Expectations

My ever wise sister in law was visiting last week and told me a parable of a sort that has had me thinking all week. A women was going on a trip to Italy she was so excited she had been prepping and preparing for her trip for weeks. She couldn't stop thinking of all the amazing Italian food she would consume. The rolling vineyards and the feeling of romance in the air. She boarded the plane with smells of hot espresso floating in her head. When she finally landed she looked out the window and realized she was not in Italy but instead had landed in Germany. She was devastated this is not what she had expected. She had plans and German beer was not in the picture she wanted Italian wine.

This is what it is like having an out of the ordinary child. When you are "expecting" you have all these visions of your child's future what it will be like. Then one day you realize you landed in a different country and things are not what you had expected. The question is can you learn to realize all that landing in Germany has to offer. Can you enjoy the German beer and sausages and all the history they have to offer or not?

We all have a choice. We can look at whats different with failed hopes and dreams or we can embrace our future with new and sometimes better hopes and dreams. Everyday we have to make a choice to except our present and find joy in what we have been given or live in sorrow of failed expectations. What joy can you find today in the land you did not expect to be living in? For me it is that have a son who is more loving and loyal then I could have ever imagined. I did not expect that but it is a beautiful gift of my present.

Faithfulness

A couple of weeks ago we particpated in the walk for Autism. As I was preparing t-shirts for the day I decided to listen to JJ's tape from his dedication. As I sat and listened to the words people had for him tears streamed down my face. No one knew when he was 10 weeks old that he would be who he is today but they nailed him head on. The words were loyalty and different. Loving and a lover of people. If you know my JJ at all you know that when he loves he loves so deeply it hurts, he is extremly loyal, and JJ sees the world through a different set of glasses.

Even at 10 weeks old God knew the plans he had for our boy. We as christians sometimes like to minimize the fact that God has plans for us, but throughout scripture God has had plans for everyone. Everyone had a purpose, a job to do, and God gives us the tools we need to complete the tasks set before us.

God has been faithful to complete a good work n JJ. He is doing awesome!!!!!! He was placed in an embedded preschool program that has been amazing for him. He was approved for wrap around services and has been particpating in activites I never thought he was going to be able to do. It is amazing to me to see the provision that is set before him. I can not wait to see who he becomes and how he learns to make a world that wasn't designed for him fit.

People are always looking at me and "piting"us for having a child with Autism. I am never really sure why people do that I would not change him for the world. He is one of my greatest treasures and I feel honored to have been given the task to raise him.

Jeremiah 29:11

Change

Do you ever have one of those days where everything changes in a moment and you feel like you were takin up in a tornado? I had one of those days this week. I got a phone call from JJ's OT this week telling me that he has outgrown the preschool he is in, that the typical preschool at Just children he goes to part time is being cut next year do to budget cuts. They were hoping I was planning on sending him to kindergarten next year. Unfortunately that is not our plan his birthday is two weeks before the cut off and we were hoping to keep him back a year so he could be more emotionally mature. My head was spinning trying to figure out what to do.

Just like that all my plans changed God slammed a door shut and redirected me to an open window. In a matter of hours in my heart I decided to home school JJ. I know this sounds absolutely insane but God has completely made a way for me to do this. We are within months of having all our debt paid off, nursing school clinicals were postponed for a year, we are moving in with my in laws so I can go to school and we can buy a house, my in laws are both teachers by nature along with my husband, etc..... In the midst of the tornado i saw everything. I saw a road already paved out for us. Children with autism tend to excel being home schooled do to the one on one teaching and quiet environments where you can tailor there education towards there interests. This isn't for everyone and every child has different needs, but for JJ I don't want his anxiety for school to interfere with his desire to learn. So here it goes.

It is all about perspective.

Today started out like any other day. We awoke to JJ jumping into his metal closet doors at 6:30 am and Abby laughing hysterically at her brothers antics. Except for today I took JJ to go see Dr. Kerschbaum a Psychiatrist who finally gave us a diagnosis for JJ. Its official he has A-typical Autism or PPD-NOS/ASD. Pretty much he doesn't fall into any specific category but displays some characteristics of Autism.

I know this sounds weird but I actually felt relieved if not happy. We finally have a diagnosis!! As I drove home from my sisters today with JJ sitting in the back seat (buck naked because his shorts got "dirty") I couldn't help but laugh. Our life may be insane but its our life. I really couldn't imagine JJ any different. He is all mine and I have been in love with him from the moment I laid eyes on his beautiful face. What we call autism is just seeing life from a different perspective. This gives him a unique ability to see things in people and situations that we may not notice.

Everyday with JJ is a new journey. I am thankful for the diagnosis that allows him to get wrap around. I am thankful that he is fearfully and wonderfully made. I am thankful for the amazing support of our family and friends. I am thankful that when I tucked him in to bed he said "I love you too mom". I am thankful for every hug and kiss. I am thankful for his huge smile that brightens my day. Most of all I am thankful for JJ and the blessing he is in our lives everyday. He may not fit into conventional societal roles but he fits perfect with us.

His mercies are new every morning

Slowly JJ's reports are coming and the final diagnosis is yet to be determined. He is definetly on the spectrum but there are discrepancies as to where he fits. Reading on paper all of his issues has completley broken me. My little baby boy who is so beautiful is not as he should be and for the first time I am allowing myself to be broken by it. Tears stroll down my face as I realize how different he really is. I cant stop asking why??.

As I ponder why this happened I am reminded of moses who stuttered and how God overcame his biggest obstacle and made him a leader of people who spoke to Kings (Pharoahs). God seems to like to work best in the midst of our weaknesses. As I look at my little boy I wonder "God what are your plans for him?" and I thank God that his mercies are new every morning. I know in my heart of hearts that God choose us to raise JJ. That he has entrusted us with his care and there is purpose in it. May we rise to the occasion and may his mercies follow us as we attempt to raise JJ in the way he should go.

As the onions peeled

I am in the process of registering JJ for kindergarten and he is getting ready to transition to a "typical" preschool with services, to prepare him for school. I am filling out more and more paperwork everyday. Autism questionnaires, Aspbergers surveys, behavioral charts, etc...from my uneducated point of view it is looking like JJ has Aspberger's. The jest being he is really smart with social and sensory impairments.

I am amazed by how much he has grown since Christmas his language skills have improved to the point that he asked me "is Josh your husband", and "he was so happy to see me". He has become incredibly affectionate with Abby, as well as the rest of the family. I have to admit I am looking forward to 5 with him as the onion is peeled we see more and more of who he is and I am amazed by the loving kind person he is. Parts of him reminds me of my brother Jason and cousin Zack loving, committed, honorable human beings. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I look forward to seeing the young man he becomes.

How he loves us

I try so hard to be strong and positive to take each day as it comes and most days God gives me the grace to handle it. I have to admit that there are some days when I just wanna cry, when its to much, when I cant even take my kids to the grocery store, go to church without Josh or get through the day with my sanity. Some days I just want JJ to be "normal" so I can do "normal things". Some days I don't have the strength to get through it.

The hardest part is realizing this is OK. It is OK to be broken, overwhelmed, and at my end. It is OK to not be perfect. It is OK that no one really understands what we go through. It is OK! It is OK because its in this place that God meets me. Its when I cant take it anymore that he lifts the burden from my shoulders and gives me the strength I need to go on. Its in this place he makes beautiful things out of me and JJ. Its in this place I am refined and purified. Sometimes you need to let yourself be in the valley so God can walk you back up the mountain. Sometimes I need to let go and fall because I can't handle it anymore so God can catch me and give me a new strength. How he loves us, He loves us , He loves us, He loves us. How awesome it is to fall knowing you love me enough to catch me!

For I know the plans I have for you....

As JJ's mom I have noticed that I sometimes subliminally underplay his disability. Part of me doesn't want to admit he is "different". Unfortunately this week my eyes were flung open to see whether I wanted to embrace it or not and this situation kind of left me stunned. A whole new set of questions that I had been refusing to hear came flooding to me. How is he going to relate? Will JJ make friends? Am I doing enough? Should I be getting more services? Do I need a diagnosis?

When my mind finally stopped spinning, I heard as clear as a bell "FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR JEREMIAH". Peace flooded me and I realized God has a plan. My personality is a fixer by nature. I see a problem and I solve it. I need to realize that GOD has a plan for my kids and the problem is not mine to fix and quite frankly it may not even be a problem.

A couple years before children arrived I heard a woman speak about raising a child in the way they should go. That when you raise your children in agreement with Gods plan for them when they are old they will not depart. That we as parents need to pray "YOUR WILL BE DONE" in our kids lives not so much our will or hidden agenda. We are fallible and the plans we have are not always Gods nor are they always beneficial despite our intentions. How good it is to rest in Gods plan for our children's live!! How awesome to have a loving father who has a plan!!

Character vs .........

Upon the suggestion of a few friends I have been reading the book "Sacred Parenting". The first chapter talks about how pain builds our character. The main idea being that in today's society we are more concerned with shielding our children from pain then building their character. The concept of building character in my children has consumed my thoughts. Inevitably life is going to have some valleys there are going to be hardships, sicknesses, and disappointments the question is am raising my children to be able to stand in the mist of these trials.

Growing up my mom was very sick she has had a treasure chest of illnesses that caused me to have to clean the house, take care of my brother and sister, and her. These experiences shaped who I am, they made me more compassionate and caring, more giving, more nurturing, more loving,......... I know I would not be the person I am today without these "Pains" they shaped my character and showed me I can ultimately get through any situation.

This is not an easy battle so often as parents we want our children to be "happy". We think by them being smart, successful, or attractive they will be happy. The fact of the matter is that theses things do not make you happy. Your character is much more likely to guide you into happiness then earthly treasures. Having hope, contentment, integrity, joy, compassion, grace, self control, etc. These things bring you "happiness". So the question is how do I build character in my children?How do we raise children that can whether the storm? I am much more concerned with JJ and Abby being kind to strangers, have compassion for those in need, and loving there neighbors then I am with worldly success and days that I am not I should be.

Things are not always what they seem

Perhaps one of my biggest struggles with raising JJ is handling the remarks of others when we are out and about. JJ is one of those kids that looks perfectly normal and when we are out people are always commenting on his behavior. He just looks like a normal kid who is bad instead of a child with autism. At least once a week I have a complete stranger comment on his behavior. My favorite (or I should say most angering) was at christmas time when a complete stranger thought it was appropriate to tell my son that Santa was not going to bring him presents if he didn't start acting like a good boy. People are always horrified when I let him hang off the edge of the cart as i mad dash through the grocery store trying to get food for dinner.

Part of me understands where these people are coming from 10 years ago I would have looked at a mom with a screaming kid in the store and thought "my children will not behave like that". I have gained understanding. I have learned that things are not always what they seem and living a life of grace and understanding for others is part of being human. In the future I will open the door for the woman with the screaming child having a tantrum instead of handing her the latest Dobson book. Hopefully if you read this you will gain understanding too and realize we are not helping the child by judging it.

How do I protect my son from a world that doesn't understand? A grocery store that doesn't understand and worse yet a church that does not know how to cope with him!! It takes a village to raise a child and unfortunately the village does not know how to handle autism. They just want to label him as a bad kid. This makes me wonder how many kids in the past who were the "bad kids" really just didn't understand..........

Shot out of a cannon!!!

Today started with a shot out of a cannon. JJ woke up at 6:30am jumping on my bed and turning on the lights he did not stop until.... well he hasnt really stopped yet. He proceeded to break a chair, hit his sister in the head with a broom, spill apple juice all over himself and the floor and this was all by 8am. Normally I would be able to handle this with grace and mercy but today I have a lingering cold thats giving me a massive headache and my patience was nill. I proceeded to go on with my day as planned (why I dont know) and visisted a good old friend who I dont get to see nearly as much as i like. Needless to say JJ was wylie cootie running all over there house until I was exhausted.

All this to say why??? Some days JJ is great!!!!!!!! Behaving "age appropriate", snuggly and loving, even helpful and others he is crawling out of his skin. Today is one of the skin crawling days. He told me his body hurt today. I cant imagine what it must feel like for him to be crawling out of his skin, feeling like his world is spinning around him.

He is snuggling with me right now and just told me he loved me and that makes today great!!!!

Where do I begin??

On August 11, 2005 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He was perfect. It was love at first sight. Little did I know that JJ was going to radically change my life.

JJ is on the spectrum as the professionals like to say but where and how they don't know. I had no idea JJ was not "normal" (I say "normal" but what does that even mean) until he was 2. He would scream at large family gatherings to the point that we would have to take him outside, he smeared his feces all over his room, he stopped sleeping, everything got harder. I reluctantly called early intervention at the urging of my mother and soon learned I was not alone. The programs and services offered JJ dramatically helped him but everyday events are still a struggle.

I don't tell you this so you feel bad but more to give you a history. A history of a journey that is changing me day by day. JJ is by far my greatest gift(minus his sister Abigail Louise but I will get into that latter). I know with all my being that JJ has a purpose whether he is going to be an Olympian with his insane gross motor skills, or zoologist caring for elephants, or just follow in his fathers footsteps and be an amazing man, he has a purpose and his oddities are for a reason. Everyday JJ makes me a better person, he makes me more patient, kind , and generous. He makes me see the world through a different lens.

I hope this blog will encourage you to embrace your children for who they are, or maybe give you grace for children who aren't "perfect" in the worlds eyes. If nothing else hopefully this will be a venue to release our daily triumphs and struggles.